The holiday insanity has ended, and I'm hoping to get things back on the straight and narrow. So, spring cleaning has begun early in my house, and besides actual cleaning, this includes going through stacks of papers and bills and catching up on projects that were pushed aside during the later 2011 months. Do note the second thing I mentioned there was "bills"; this is obviously the least enjoyable of the early spring cleaning tasks, in that it reminds me of just how in debt I am. There are several entities under that category that are refusing to be forgotten about, which have made their way back to the top of the "to pay" heap. I also just found out about the horrible things that can happen to your energy bill when after your gas expenses have been estimated for the past 5 months, they suddenly become actual expenses. I currently have a headache as I type this just for the record.
Anyway, instead of curling up into a ball and rolling around in the corner while simultaneously pulling my hair out, I decided to vent here...I hope you don't mind. Sometimes I just don't know what else I can do anymore. I feel that I've done as much as I can to cut back on expenses, and I rarely ever treat myself to anything anymore, and we hardly ever dine out, and I can't tell you the last time my husband and I had an actual date. I apply to freelance jobs as often as I find the time to do so- a very competitive market under normal circumstances, which is now pretty much just like trying to win the lottery with this economy. I buy the cheapest diapers I can find that aren't totally useless, and Lily and I only participate in free activities such as going to the park and readings at the public library. What else can I possibly be doing to remedy this bill hell situation????
I try not to stress too much, because if there are 2 things I've learned about stressing out, they are: 1) things always end up working themselves out just in the nic of time anyway, and 2) there's a lot to be said for prayer, even in times of desperation. I have not quite reached the desperation threshold, but I will probably hit it by the end of the week at this rate.
It's funny, I felt like I started the new year off so right (albeit it's only 5 days in), so how did it go so wrong so quickly? Simple: I didn't tend to things last year when I could've as well as I should've. It really feels like I lose no matter what I do, since as soon as I get on top of one debt, another pops up and this time it's accumulated even more girth. And then another one that got put on hold or deferred or just pushed aside reminds me of its existence again, and then I'm ready to break down into a mess on the floor and just cry my eyes out. Is this normal?
I normally don't vent about these things or even discuss them with other people, but I feel that everyone is hurting right now, so why not start? I've always felt I have an issue with sharing how I really feel about things, instead preferring to say things are fine when people ask me how they are, when in actuality they are often far from it. I just hate to worry people- we have enough to worry about anyway, right? But, most of my followers here don't know me personally, so you probably won't be as bothered by my rant as others might be. Or perhaps I am just reading too deeply into things as usual, and my problems are just as easily forgotten by others as my pesky bills are forgotten by me.
There are many things I hope to accomplish in this new year, this year filled with promise and hope. Some of them are:
1. Get Lily potty trained
2. Get back into my yoga routine
3. Get something published
4. Keep in touch better with people who matter
and of course...
5. Pay off as much old debt as possible
Looks like #5 should be at the top of my list, yet a message that came to me in the middle of my new year's celebration at church was: you can do and be anything you want to be, but the first thing you are is a Mommy. Just writing that and remembering that again brings tears to my eyes, and that is what I'll be holding onto while I sort the rest of the mess in my life out. Lily comes first no matter what, and she will be my rock as much as I am hers during these trying financial times. What else do I/we have if we haven't got family and loved ones in our lives to help us get through tough times? I have so much more to be thankful for anyway, so I will do the best I can and focus more on the
|* not me, but how I feel now that I vented|
I wish you well in all and any resolutions you have for this new year! Thanks for reading!